Monday, September 2, 2013

My Prayer




     Do you still believe in God? Really? Well good for you; must be nice and comforting. Am I right?
     I was raised Catholic, went to catholic schools, mass, the whole thing. The Catholic Church has taken a lot of crap in the past, and I’m not sure they deserve it. I was disciplined, disappointed and discouraged by the time I was 13 so I think my religious training was completely successful. The church helped make me into an angry, alcoholic cynic who is often crippled by self-doubt. Way to go, Religion. I can’t remember my own fucking phone number, but I remember prayers I learned as a toddler. Wow. Thanks for permanently occupying that part of my brain, the part I probably could have used to get laid more often but, Nope, it’s full of prayers.
I read the news every day. I probably shouldn’t, because after a half hour of Google, Christian Science Monitor and the San Francisco Chronicle I lean back and say, out loud, ”Man, I hate everything and everybody.” I become depressed and have scary thoughts.
     So, I’ve written a short prayer to help me get through those tough times of rage, anxiety and pessimism that occur whenever I attempt to understand the world. Here’s my prayer. You may join me if you wish.

     “Dear God, you little bastard, I pray that there actually is an afterlife and that you will be there in all your glory, because when I see you I am going to kick your cowardly, selfish, narcissistic ass. God, you sorry excuse for a deity, what made you think that racism, sexism, cruelty, bullying, tooth decay and venereal disease were things we really needed here on earth? You monster. You’d better hide behind wall of angels if you see me coming through the pearly gates because I am going to mess you up. If You are the all seeing, all knowing, loving, eternal, infinite and omnipotent dictator, then war, disease, starvation, torture, child abuse, Real Estate salesmen, wealthy entitled assholes, the Department of Homeland Security and the DMV are your creations and responsibility. You are doomed. Make your peace with your…self, I guess, because I’m coming for you and I’m not alone. That’s a promise, you evil, malicious weasel. Amen”.

     Feel better? Good. Me too.