Sunday, December 18, 2016

Good Luck in the City of Light





 What a great day; everything I expected and more. So lucky.
Up at sunrise. That is, when the first light slips over the top of the building next door, around 9:30 a.m. I find that I’m totally responsive to the rhythms of nature. Dark = tired, Light = awake. Late light means better sleep and that surprises me for some reason. For the past year, since returning from always-loud Italy, I’ve used earplugs at night and hours go by without the slightest disturbance. I’ve never been a sound sleeper, five or six hours is a good rest, and now, with low light and less sound I am putting in an easy seven or eight. Dark and quiet, highly recommended. In Paris, the garbage guys begin with broken glass at six a.m., traffic horns at seven and by eight the drills of the remodelers and workmen are in full cacophony. I sleep right through, until the sun. Learning to live better through travel.
It takes a while to wander around the apartment and get dressed. My underwear is in a cabinet in the foyer, sox on a shelf in the kitchen, shirts and pants hanging in a giant armoire with sliding doors that stick and rumble. Bathroom light sucks so I always look unwashed and badly groomed, poorly shaved. Don’t care. It’s Paris. Everyone looks tired, hassled, windblown. Four floors down from our apartment to the busy street where I walk to the convenient metro No. 1, Champs-Elysees-Clemenceau, at the end of our street, Rue Miromesnil, named after Thomas Hue de Miromesnil, deputy to the Chancellor of France from 1774 to 1787. He abolished the use of torture during the interrogation of the accused. Thanks Tom. Because you never know when you’re going to be jacked up in this city. There are security people everywhere, two by two, armed, chatty, laughing and flirting with each other.
The metro is crowded since there are, of course, too many people everywhere in the world and Metro Number 1 runs east/west, the much-used area from the Bastille, along the Seine, to the Arch de Triumph. I was going the opposite way, opposed to the workers, and I found a seat. It is rare not to be mashed up against strangers with varying degrees of hygiene. I got off at Chatelet, one of the crowded stations that connects to most other metros and trains. One learns to walk in a mob without being jostled and or bumping into others. There is a way to move that is simultaneously aggressive and respectful. Not everyone employs the technique, particularly the very young and very old, but for the most part I can cruise at a brisk pace through the maze of underground passage ways from train to train, up escalators, down stairs, across platforms and mezzanines, and I surface into the city on the Rue Rivoli without knocking someone over or being pushed onto the tracks. There are confrontations, but we’re in Paris and moments of rudeness and hostility are part of the charm.
I was early for a lunch appointment so I walked to Shakespeare & Company, “famous bookstore, tourists, used to be better”, blah, blah but it’s a great store and well stocked. Most of the other English language booksellers traffic in blockbusters, popular pulp, YA bestsellers, but Shakespeare et al proudly carries obscure translations, experimental fiction and classics.
Last week I was in London and visited the Tate Britain Museum where I was blown away by roomfuls of paintings by J.M.W. Turner and sculptures by Henry Moore. In one room there were drawings, etchings and watercolors by mystic, poet, printmaker and illustrator William Blake and I had a chance to see his phenomenal work up close. I now feel driven to read and study more about Blake and I have looked in several other stores in Paris but they don’t carry his work. I knew Shakespeare & Co. would and they did. I picked up an illustrated copy of “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” and stepped to the counter to pay. The clerks at S&C are generally English or American students who speak very good French and are smug and dismissive to anyone who isn’t a young English or American student.
“Eight Euros, please.”
“Here you go.”
“Would you like me to stamp it?”
They have a stamp that is a drawing of William Shakespeare and proudly lets anyone who cares know that the book was purchased in Paris at the famous Shakespeare &Co. They assume that we all want that stamp. Why not? Nice souvenir. She pounded the stamp on the inkpad and I said, “No, no thanks, that’s fine.”
I didn’t want to cross-pollinate William Blake with William Shakespeare.
The woman looked at me suspiciously.
“Do you want a bag?”
“No, I’m good.” I love going into Shakespeare & Co. and treating the clerks like clerks and not as self-appointed privileged superstars of the booksellers international confederacy. I put Blake in the bag that I carry everywhere. A lifeline in a crowded metropolis. Inside my bag are a hat, a notebook and pen, my French phone and a small camera. And a copy of William Blake. I am secure.
My friend, JB, was already at Chez Gladines, 44 Boulevard Saint-Germain. JB and I have been good friends for several years and we meet at this restaurant for lunch a few times whenever I visit Paris. The place is amazing, seriously terrific. We have to get there right at noon, at the latest 12:20, or else we join the crowds waiting outside, rain or shine. The restaurant doesn’t take reservations and is pretty laid back. The food? A couple of idiots have bitched on Yelp and Google Reviews about the food, the service, the crowds, but those people are fucked up and wouldn’t know how to appreciate a good restaurant or food that doesn’t come in a bag. JB orders Escalope Montagnarde, which translates, to “Mountain Climbing” on Google Translate. Fairly accurate. Specialty of the house with potatoes, ham, veal, cream sauce and mushrooms. Just ask for The Mountain. It’s a mountain of food and looks delicious. I have my usual, the Cassoulet Basque. White beans cooked in duck fat, duck legs, pork breast, chorizo and Toulouse sausage. I cannot write about it. It is so goddamn good. I’m looking forward to having it again next week. I cannot write about it in the same way that Muslims cannot make drawings of Muhammad.  
JB and his wife have lived in Paris for many years. They are both schoolteachers, fluent in French and educated. He teaches Literature and our friendship is a surprising bit of good luck. We had a two and a half hour lunch and as Chez Gladines filled to the walls with those Parisians who respect good, inexpensive, perfect French/Basque food, we talked about politics, literature, health, philosophy, relationships and how goddamn good the food was. Great afternoon; we sat down at noon and didn’t leave until 2:45. The waitstaff and management were busy, friendly and efficient.  A nice antidote to the Shakespeare & Co. pretensions.
JB walked me back to the metro and we stopped and looked at buildings, wove our way through the crowds in front of Notre Dame, peeked into Album (a terrific comic book store), checked out the river from the Petit Pont. He bid me goodbye, a bientot, until next time.
I was out of metro tickets and bought some from a vendor, waited for my train and got another lucky seat on the Metro. Such a great day, such good luck. A few minutes later and I was heading out the sortie at Champs-Elysees-Clemenceau with the rest of the Christmas shoppers, workers, tourists. It was pretty busy. Ahead were a couple of young metro cops. A man and woman, short, uniformed, asking people at random for their tickets. This happens occasionally, to make sure that everyone isn’t jumping the turnstile, cheating the city. I’ve never seen them checking tickets during the day; usually they roam the platforms of the metro at night to make sure that bands of drunks and kids aren’t making trouble.
And they pinned me.
I’m a nicely dressed older man with a bad back and good shoes. What the hell?
“Monsieur, please step over here.”
“Oui. What do you want?”
“Your ticket please.”
“My ticket?”
“Your ticket, we must see your ticket.”
Not a problem, I just bought a carnet, a package of ten tickets. When I use a ticket I put it in my left pocket so that, if need be, I can show it to the cops. See, here it is. It’s supposed to be big trouble if you don’t have a ticket.
I bumbled around in my coat, came up with a ticket, handed it to the guy. His partner was a slim, nervous woman. She was holding a card reader, looked like a Taser at first and scared the shit out of me, but they slipped my ticked into a slot and he said:
“Non. Non, monsieur, this is an old ticket.”
“The fuck? I just bought a carnet at the Chatelet and that’s one of the brand new tickets. The hell you talking about?”
Things begin to escalate. He’s getting pissed.
“This is not a valid ticket. You must pay a fine.”
He shows me a card with a list of fines for various infractions and points to a number. 35. Thirty-five euros for not having a valid ticket. Except that I did.
“Well shit, man, I just used that. I don’t have that kind of money.”
I had only 35 euros after my lunch and book shopping, but I wasn’t totally sure what was up and wasn’t about to fork it over. I asked for their IDs, they showed them, big smiles. I took out my camera to snap a shot of them, what the fuck, another souvenir. A copy of William Blake from Shakespeare & Co. and a nice photo of the assholes who were hassling me in the metro.
Well, shit, you’d think I pulled out a gun. They freaked out.
“NO, NO, monsieur, no, I will call the other police, this is a big fine, you cannot take our picture.”
“?”
He pointed to another number on his laminated card. 180 euros. Holy crap this was spinning out of control really fast.
“Wait, let me check my wallet.”
I took out 35 euros and handed it to the guy.
“There you go. Thirty-five. Wow. You guys. What the hell?”
I was hoping that I could skate, roll back the clock, get that original fine and be on my way.
“I’ll get you a receipt, monsieur.”
I was relieved. Never know what might go down. I leaned against the wall and waited.
He is still suspicious but takes the money across the hall to his supervisor who is currently jacking up a couple of youngsters. They mutter in French, the boss takes my dough, tears off a receipt.
Meanwhile, I’m baffled. I just rode the metro with a valid ticket. I wondered if I was being played. Assholes. I fiddled in my pocket for a while, keys, gloves, a napkin. A metro ticket. Another metro ticket. Wow. Christ.
Short cop comes over with a yellow slip of paper, the receipt, and I’m holding out a metro ticket.
“Here. Try this one.”
Everyone has a pocketful of old metro tickets. It’s a pain in the ass, we’re always putting a used one in the slot, getting a nasty buzzer sound, and then you have to step out of line and find an unused ticket. That’s what happened at Chatelet and that’s why I bought a stack of fresh billets pour le metro.
I know he doesn’t want to take new one, but I’m holding it in his face and it looks legit. He shifts from one foot to the other, nods, takes the ticket over to his boss. They are both looking at me. Where will this go?
Boss puts the new-old ticket through the card reader and bingo, a green light, I’m good, it’s a valid metro billet. All the cops are gathered together, some giving me the eagle eye. The supervisor takes out a cheap purse, the kind you buy for a few euros from a discount store. It was striped and ugly and he unzips it, takes out some bills and hands them to the original officer who comes back and gives me my 35 euros.
“You may go. You had the valid ticket.”
“Fuckin A.”
“Here.”
He holds out the bad ticket that I had first given to him.
“What?”
“Here, this is yours.”
“Nah, of course not. Jesus. You keep it. It’s a souvenir.”
I climb the stairs to my apartment on Rue de Miromesnil and think, “Respect,” to Thomas de Miromesnil, the guy who abolished the torture of detainees between the years 1774 to 1787. Today could have been worse.
A delightful day in Paris. Good books, healthy walking, beautiful city, a fine friend, great food, a little metro agro and no torture.
An almost perfect day.









Sunday, October 23, 2016

Ballot Selfies





Ballot Selfies. Big deal this year. “Are they illegal or personal expression?” What they are is another way for simple fucks to get attention. "Look, I voted." Wow, you are an adult doing the bare minimum. Here’s your trophy. I guess I’m leaving a world where everything that everyone does all the time every day for their entire lives will be recorded, filmed, posted, commented upon and filed. And then, holy shit, then there are complaints and conspiracies and concerns that we have no privacy and the stupid government is invading us and spying on us and nothing is sacred or personal, we are never safe. That’s about the time boneheads post that silly Facebook hoax: “I do not give Facebook permission to blah blah…”
On the other hand it’s a good way to keep track of who voted for what, (big smile for your picture with your ballot), and then they won’t be able to dodge their responsibility when the winner, (their fave, here it is on my page, woot), drops the big one on San Francisco or gets caught in a motel room with an underage chimpanzee.
I know a bunch of people who voted for George W. Bush right after 911 because they were afraid and believed all of his bullshit. These were not crazy conservatives; in fact, some were Democrats at the time but they got caught up in the scary moment and began defending George W and his band of liars. This year they are all pretty quiet and, once again, are committed super-Democrats.
I wish they had taken pics of that proud moment, big grin, pointing to their mistake.
I would re-post it, daily, until they snapped. Sorry, but you are what you do.
Late night knock on the door:
 “Excuse me, I’m with an Un-named Dangerous Government Unit. Did you vote for (fill in the blank)?”
“Um, no?”
“Well, stupid, here’s your picture on your Facebook page with your ballot. You look pretty happy. See? Right there under the cat video. Get dressed.”
You are not what you post but try explaining that to everyone who hates you and kicks your ass and you lose all of your credibility forever. There are photos. They might even take away your trophy. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Clowns? Why?




Who in the actual real fuck is afraid of clowns? How did this happen, this national panic about clowns? Shakespeare used them in his comedies, they are an integral part of rodeo and the Bible; in fact all religious texts are crammed with clowns and their stupid behavior. They are generally objects of ridicule. It’s a job. In some places clowning is a respected element of classic theater. Sure, a lot of kids cry when surprised by a big scary dude with a painted face and a red nose, but in my opinion that’s good preparation for the first time you discover how screwed up your family is.
I had a creepy drunk uncle who was hot for my girlfriend and he used to sneak into our room when we were staying with them and sit on the bed and stare at her.
An off-duty cop got pissed off at something I said and pulled his gun on me.
A relation, by marriage thank Christ, chopped up a baby grand piano, with an axe, in his living room, because his daughter wouldn’t practice.
I’d been to the circus and I think it prepared me for this kind of social interaction. Way more terrifying and threatening than clowns. Shit, clowns aren’t even funny. Silly, dopey and distracting, but not funny.
“Oh, look at the clown. Look! Isn’t he funny?”
No. Can I have another hot dog?
Want to see some funny clowns? Try Bill Irwin, Giulietta Masina, Charlie Chaplin.
(Note: John Wayne Gacy was not a clown. Don’t even.)
I read in the paper today that some people in Albuquerque where dressed like clowns and they were arrested. By the police. Locked up. Wow.
A kid in a backwards Midwestern state posted a picture of a clown on his Facebook page, added a little threatening dialogue and had his own personal visit from law enforcement.
Halloween is right around the corner and there are warnings that partygoers should avoid dressing like clowns. Sexy eight-year-olds and fake gun toting toddlers in full camo, sure, terrific, so cute, but we will not tolerate baggy pants, a red nose and giant shoes.
Steven Hawking isn’t afraid of clowns.
Keith Richards isn’t afraid of clowns.
Rachel Maddow isn’t afraid of clowns.
Hillary Clinton has said she isn’t afraid of clowns, but she may change her mind.
Trump…never mind.
Which brings up another point.
There are plenty of real things to be afraid of. Watch the fucking debates, follow a political candidate, check out the way the stock market is manipulated, study class and income inequality, read about the Kardashians, see how fast bookstores are closing, be a woman in the Mideast or a young black man in America, go to an evangelical church service. Talk to a Vietnam vet, or a woman who has been sexually assaulted. That’s some scary shit, right there. The real scary.
If you are over the age of seven and are still afraid of clowns you’re either mentally impaired, have no critical skills, or you’ve never been in a truly frightening situation.
Get out more. Take a walk around the block. At night
We just got over the Zombie scare, now it's clowns.
Don’t be a moron.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Real Secret







I just figured out the secret to ending all conflict and reducing stress. This one’s for free.
Maintain a neutral demeanor and agree with everyone. It’s that easy.
A guy confronted me about a week ago and took exception with something I’d said. It happens. Big, tall guy, kind of demented. No threat, but he loomed over me, barking and moaning and told me why I was wrong, called me names and did everything but foam at the mouth and wet himself.
I stared into his bulging eyes and said, “OK,” and then stayed silent.
I think it pissed him off. Haha.
When someone is intent on convincing you that Chemtrails cause athlete’s foot, just say, “OK.”
You don’t have to tell them you think they have the brains of a toilet brush. Like they are going to change their minds. Nope. Don’t make me laugh. That would require critical thinking and math.
When one of the many floating experts tells me, “Trump is a liar,” or “Clinton is a criminal”, “vaccines cause autism”, “Elvis is alive”, or “Aliens made 9/11 happen,” I nod my head and say, “Hmm. OK,” and walk away. By my tone of voice, my attitude and posture, I can communicate spite and boredom, but I fake-agree by simply saying, “OK.”
They can push it, but all they’re getting from me is, “OK.”
I kind of miss a good fight, but so far this is working and as I said, it can really piss off the lames.
They’ll know that they didn’t convince me of anything. I still believe that they’re silly little fuckers. I’ll have a decent day, take a walk, make lunch, maybe have a nap. Later, when I hear of my antagonist's heart attack, suicide, drunken car crash, I can nod my head, smile and say to myself, “OK.”
So frigging easy. And free.

Friday, August 26, 2016

A Message to My Angels






To all my generous Angels:
I hope none of you take this personally, but, wow, there are really a ton of crowdfunding sites: gofundme, kickstarter, indiegogo. Seems like everyone is hooked up and (I guess) they are perfectly legit. Of course, there are assholes. (There’s a site called gofraudme.com that digs down and finds the ripoffs, hustles and scams.)  Everything decent eventually becomes corrupted, but I won’t judge. It’s too easy. How did people get money from others before the Internet came along? Work? Sure, yes, we work, but suppose I need dough for a medical emergency? What if I can’t work? Like now? Really, I can’t work. Out of the question.
Every time someone dies friends and family set up a funding page to cover “expenses”. Burial expenses? That stuff costs, sure, but consider cremation; it’s cheap and efficient.
Literally thousands of families seek decent housing. (Check it out.) They have bad luck (who hasn’t?) and need a safe and healthy place for their six kids to grow up. And the kids need iPads. Please give. My suggestion would be to cut down on the breeding, but, again, trying not to judge. So far so good.
Plenty of young men and women have sure-fire ideas and solicit capital to jumpstart a company, provide a service, build an app. Great; good luck, but I can’t donate to your modeling career or help to promote your crappy rap CD.
Many of these petitions are somewhat successful, no matter how ridiculous. A certain kind of person asks and certain others feel inclined to give. Ask for $10,000 for stuff we all do (pay bills, get out from under all that debt, take a much-needed vacation, buy Christmas presents) and chances are that you’ll get a few grand, at least. It’s a start.

My Angels: I’m in need of a vintage 1969 Mercedes-Benz 300SEL 6.3 Liter Sedan. My current vehicle is not dependable, needs servicing, and I require reliable transportation in the probable event that I may someday have to travel for complicated medical treatments. The stress of not having this particular Mercedes-Benz has been generating inflammation that is deteriorating my overall health. The cumin and lime cleanses are no longer effective and I’ve had bad experiences with high colonics (!). Anxiety is increasing and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in months. I fear the worst.
If you can find it in your heart to donate to my upcoming gofundme page, I will offer prayers, love, light, hugs, and good thoughts forever. If you can’t give, I will try to understand. It will be difficult to avoid judging you, but I’ll try. You are all my sweet Angels. God Bless, Namaste, Abundance, Divine Love.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Lower Standards -- Part 8





I’ve gotten to the point where, if another driver uses turn signals (which are on every frigging vehicle, right there on the steering column, within easy reach, flick, right, left, no brain, automatic and helpful and required by law) I think, “Well, that must be a decent human being. Probably a nice person. Caring, generous, compassionate, self sufficient, clear headed and able to see how their actions affect others.” Then I think, “Fuck me, I’m acting as if someone who does the bare minimum, who engages in basic human decency, who makes the least effort, who is simply awake and borderline responsive, that person is now a superstar, a phenomenon, a mastermind.”
My goddamn standards have dropped so low that I’m grateful and overcome with emotion when somebody isn’t overtly hostile and offers the slightest hint of awareness. Holy shit. Doomed.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Mom's Guide to Health and Fitness




I was at the doctor’s office today. I was pretty sure I had Zika but it was only a cough, sore throat. I got the usual: Antibiotics that probably won’t do anything and some prescription cough suppressant that will definitely do “something”. Plus it helps with a cough.
While sitting in that petri dish they call a waiting room, I thought about my mother. Agnes De Patta. She died three years ago this week. She was a lifelong hardcore liberal Democrat, took no shit and had a dark side that I appreciated. She was 96.
Each day I try to get in a workout. Most days I’m OK, but if I skip a few then I’m off my schedule and feel like a slacker, fat, old, soon to die. I eat well but I binge once a week. Or twice. So, guilt and self-loathing, overweight, blood sugar, cholesterol and all the attendant morbid effects of debauchery.
I know debauchery. Well.
I try to take care of myself, I don’t smoke and haven’t had a drink in over 20 years, stopped the weed and the pills and the coke and staying out late and sneaking down dark alleys.
But there is something missing.
Looking back, I try to remember what my mom did to stay fit and healthy for over 90 years.

Weight: She was always about 40 pounds overweight. Five feet four and 180 lbs. give or take a few inches and a few pounds.
Smoking: Started smoking at 16 and stopped at 76. She had a heart attack a few months after she quit and thought that was ironic. Still, 60 years of smoking and she lived another 20.
Alcohol: Not a heavy drinker.  I think I only saw her rough a couple of times. She liked a drink around 5 p.m., sometimes a couple. No big.
Diet: Anything that didn’t bite back. She liked butter and loved sugary desserts.
Exercise: You’re kidding, right? She hated walking from her room to the front door when I visited her. Hated it and said so. She walked from her room to her car; that was the longest trip on foot. She drove until she was 95 and didn’t kill anyone that we know of.

She was smart and articulate until the end. Didn’t mind a good argument. Enjoyed provoking the old conservatives at the residence.
 I’m may adopt her program. It worked for 96 years and I consider that successful.
Respect.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture





The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture

 Send $34.99 to:

The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

“Stand tall and have it all.” That quote from the works of Italian anthropologist and philosopher Amadeo de Grazia, the discoverer of the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture, still resonates after nearly two centuries. Dr. de Grazia first observed the effects of this rare gem while studying the indigenous people of Lubumbashi. He saw that the entire tribe wore the yellow-gold gemstone and they stood erect, moved with ease, and didn’t have a word in their simple language for “pain”. He immediately purchased the mineral rights to the entire region from the ruler of the Lubumbashi people for $800 and a recipe for ravioli.
 Science has revealed that modern men and women, overwhelmed by the stress and difficulties of the industrialized world, have become constricted due to the sheer weight of their own anxiety. Eighty percent of humanity now suffers from acute migraine at least twice a month. The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture has been shown to not only reverse the spinal effects of crushing boredom and dread but, with the addition of the Super Secret Mantra (sold separately for $34.99), individuals who acquire the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture can also add several inches to their height.
We are grateful to the heirs of Professor de Grazia for making the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture available, for a short time, to our devotees. Supplies are limited.
And don’t forget to augment the effects of this consecrated gift with the Super Secret Mantra ($34.99). After all, who doesn’t want to be taller and free from agony?

(Note: If patient becomes incoherent and loses consciousness discontinue and call 911.)

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility





The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility

Available for $34.99 from:

The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

“Anxiety is a polluted well from which most people drink, but the clear liquor of Tranquility is our natural beverage.” The words of the Maladonian poet Butalla have offered solace to the suffering for centuries. His acolytes, the pygmy Butasi, are now mining the rare Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility to aid those who are stagnant in their search for harmony.

The diminutive Butasi recognize that worldwide serenity has decreased over the past several decades. But now our followers can rejoice because The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility offers an indispensable boost to upper levels of advanced composure. Envision the delight of scorning anxious individuals who have not yet discovered this hallowed blessing.

For an additional $34.99 an auxiliary Top Secret Mantra is also offered to our faithful members. The Top Secret Mantra guarantees not only a faster path to tranquility, but also the added benefit of hair growth.

The Pink Aperture is fashioned from Rhodonite, a rare gem embedded with sanctified elements extracted by the tiny Butasi deep in the Ural Mountains. The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility has been approved for use by 12-Step Groups worldwide and is considered the precursor to true sobriety and abstinence. Enhancement with the Top Secret Mantra promises lifelong peace and sobriety. (Warning: If painful discharge occurs, discontinue use immediately.)

Sorry, No Refunds.

Namaste.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction




The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571


We have all experienced those embarrassing moments when in the midst of a conversation with a friend or colleague we suddenly think, “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” Now, with the Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction, banish self-doubt forever. These handcrafted talismans enable the possessor to dominate and vanquish all who dare to disagree. Opponents recoil at the sheer certainty imbued to the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction.

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction is particularly valuable during periods of national discourse, such as elections and religious holidays, where belief is more important than evidence.

For an additional $34.99 we will also include a Top Secret Mantra, which will aid the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction to increase his or her voice to an almost unbearable volume, thereby guaranteeing supremacy over antagonists.

(Caution: may cause dizziness and temporary loss of libido).

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.

Friday, July 8, 2016

The Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation



The Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571


Have you wondered why the Sages of Salamandor are considered the most spiritual People on Earth? Have you been fortunate enough to feel the emanation of spiritual secretions flowing from them as they pass by while making their annual pilgrimage to the Holy Corona? Elevated men and women have been mining and shaping the Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation for centuries and finally, for the first time, the Sages of Salamandor have made the sacred Access available to our followers.

Holders of the Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation will be able to mystically and divinely dominate those who do not possess the sanctified talisman. Also, with the addition of the Top Secret Mantra of Access, the Sages of Salamandor guarantee quick relief of lower back pain.

The Top Secret Mantra is sold separately for $34.99.

Sorry, No Refunds.
Namaste

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss





The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss

Send $34.99 to:
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571


Originally discovered by the Ahutalatay People of the Middle Kingdom in 300 BC, the Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss embraces the ancient secret to rejuvenation and perfect repose.

Every living person over the age of 50 has expressed their powerlessness to achieve a deep, beneficial night of transformational sleep. Fret no more, faithful insomniacs. The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss guarantees a full, peaceful eight hours of slumber to each and every devotee.

For an additional $34.99 you will receive the Blessed Top Secret Mantra that guarantees immediate activation of The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss. Achieve unconsciousness by next week. What have you to lose except your lassitude?

Sorry, no refunds. Namaste.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Jade Gate to Eternal Youth




The Jade Gate to Eternal Youth

$34.99 plus shipping and handling:

The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571



For an additional $34.99 we will send the Top Secret Meditation that accelerates the holy properties of the Sacred Jade Gate to Eternal Youth.

Anti-aging will commence within one month upon receipt of the Sacred Jade Gate to Eternal Youth.

Daily chanting of the Top Secret Meditation will speed the effects.
A youthful appearance, higher energy and increased libido will begin to manifest within 24 hours.

Sorry, no refunds. Namaste.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Make America Smart Again





I put up the picture of a red hat with the logo “Make America Smart Again” on Facebook yesterday as a joke, but I may have been articulating a repressed hope, a long lost sense of optimism. Optimism is probably a delusion. The picture is a meme. It's Facebook. Jesus.
I am by far not a tub-thumping patriot. I'm burned out and disappointed. I still have a fairly good memory and it seems to me that a lot of people have forgotten, or are too young to remember, that there was a time, distant past, when college was pretty cheap and functional. You could actually go to school, learn stuff and graduate without lifelong debt. Higher education wasn't about cultural misappropriation, safe spaces and microaggression. I found that it was about life and how to experience it in an intelligent, satisfying way. There was good literature and great film. Really. Don’t believe me? Google it for Christ’s sake. Sure, there was racism and sexism and violence, that shit is everywhere. Things may be getting better but I’m no romantic.
When my “friends” saw the post, the picture of the stupid hat, right away a lot people were triggered and started with their knee-jerk responses. “We’re worse than Africa”. Seriously, I saw that one. “It’ll take thousands of years”. Nice over-stretch. “It’ll take more than a hat”. Honestly, is that the best you can do?
Politics.
Man, many Sanders people (so far, my people) act like it’s a crusade and they’re the first ever to be disappointed; the Clinton supporters appear arrogant, smug and affluent and Trump’s people are scared to death due to reduced educational prospects (or none at all), lack of opportunities, income inequality and bad decisions by the whores in congress. And, yes, racism.
For all the people who think America is a 100 percent totally ignorant nation, backward and primitive: Try some traveling; leave your zip code; talk to those who believe differently than you do, without being an asshole.
Also, nice way to self-negate and marginalize yourself.
I get it. Everyone thinks everybody else is not as smart as they are. I’ve been around long enough to know what I don’t know. It’s both comforting and frustrating. Of course, I may be wrong. Again. What do I know?

Monday, May 23, 2016

Sanders or Clinton



      I’m still supporting Bernie Sanders, but I note that a lot of my Berniefriends are now claiming they won’t vote for Clinton if Sanders doesn’t get the nomination.
      You guys; holy fuck. Sure, revolution, rebellion, we’re pissed off and marginalized and they lie to us. Big surprise. Is this your first goddamn election?
      Don’t you know how this works?
      For fuck’s sake, get a grip. Unless these anti-Democrat Democrats are really well off, I mean rich and settled and happy and living the good life with lots of resources, they have a hell of a lot to lose under another Republican administration.
      I don’t trust Clinton; she’s got a spotty record and she’s certainly shifty as hell, but she’s made it clear that she would try to continue Obama’s programs (which, for the most part, have been fairly enlightened).
      If Sanders loses he will have plenty of influence and his supporters will still (I hope) be fired up and leaning heavily on the establishment. Seriously, I don’t like Clinton but I could have a conversation with her. All I want to do when I hear Trump is turn his face into mush. And move to another continent.
      You don’t like racism? Why would you give a vote to Trump?
      Do you know any women or are you a woman? Do you think women will be better off with a GOP president? Jesus Christ. Welcome to 1950.
      No one knows the future, but you don’t have to be Edgar Cayce to see what’s around the bend if Sanders’ supporters don’t help secure the barricade. Plus, our image as Americans has been slightly elevated in the past 8 years under Obama. Do we really want the rest of the world see us as a circus act, to dismiss us as fat, stupid dimwits and ridicule us, again, the way they did when Bush was screwing things up and making the one percent wealthier?
      There are times when I wouldn’t mind seeing the entire system come crashing down. I could be OK with that. But it’s not likely. Not even close. And since this is my last election as a Democrat (Yeah, so long to that crap), and perhaps my last election ever, I’d like to NOT turn it over to the women-hating, racist, uneducated, heavily armed, drunk, highly crazy and ultra-angry Tea Party redneck hatefilled right-wing infection that is supporting Donald Trump.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Pepperoncini-flavored Potato Chips?

      

 Since Columbus Day has been all but eradicated (a sensible move, considering history), I suppose the advertising geniuses figured they had to soften up the Italian Americans, offer them something in return, something personal, a memory of the old country. We no longer have a holiday to celebrate our heritage, like Cinco de Mayo or St. Patrick’s Day. One day a year when we get drunk, tell stories, sing sentimental songs and beat up family members. We’re OK with the disappearance of Columbus Day, though. We are still proud of our accomplishments: Food, furniture, the RICO act.
      I don’t know why I was reminded of the fleeting nature of patriotism and culture when I saw Pepperoncini-flavored Potato Chips and I never write about food but, holy crap, that seems like a reach by the snacky industry. Over-reaching, Gluten-free, Verified non-GMO, with the phrase, “Great Taste…Naturally” on the package. Trust me, there isn’t a fucking natural thing about this.
     How many psychedelics must a person ingest to come up with an idea like Pepperoncini-flavored potato chips? Lots.
      I had to buy them. I’m the target demographic and a sucker. Opened them in the car. Sealed so tight that I almost went off the road trying to tear the bag of this tasty car snack. Taste? Nothing like pepperoncini. I like pepperoncini and I’ve got a jar in the fridge. These chips were exactly like the Sea-salt-and-Vinegar flavored ones. Slapping a picture of a pepper on a green bag and calling them Pepperoncini-flavored is not going to fool anyone with a discriminating palate. I know my pickled and preserved snackfoods, goddamnit, and these bambini are several rest stops down the autostrada from authentic pepperoncini. Don’t buy them.
     Advice for the marketing masterminds at the Kettle Corporation: some things look better on paper than on the plate.
      But big ups for making a stab at corralling stray customers who have a desire to honor their ethnicity. At least some ad wizard saw the potential for picking a few bucks from of the pockets of needy second-generation immigrants with developing eating disorders Grazie bastardi.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Percocet





First of all, for God’s sake, take your meds responsibly and don’t be a moron.
I understand that there are individuals who misuse, abuse, and don’t understand their medications. That’s a shame, I hope they don’t die, but they can be trained and it’s a problem that  can often be corrected with education. There are others who are so confused and full of self hate that they can only get through life in an altered state. I completely understand. Drinkers, dopers, gamblers, pornographers, overeaters, etc&etc. Boy, do I appreciate their predicament.
Not everyone, however, is impaired. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people who drink conscientiously, budget a bit of money for the lotto or slot machines, smoke a little weed, graze the pornsites and have an extra piece of pie on weekends. Is it wrong to seek pleasure or stimulation or excitement in a non-conventional manner? No judgment from me. That would be totally hypocritical.
We can become obsessed or addicted to almost anything. I’ll never be out of the woods.
Now headlines blast off about the Opioid Abuse Crisis in America. People are dying. Our young people, our poor young people are in jeopardy. Doctors are prescribing. Law Enforcement, courts, judges, jails, bad, bad.
This isn’t new.
I find it interesting that this “crisis” has arisen just about the time when nearly everyone agrees that Marijuana is not harmful and if legalized it may have some social and medical benefits. Legislation and government and laws and cops are 50 or 60 years behind, but thank Christ they are beginning to wake up. Not much to argue about and we’re finally allowing cannabis to be used in a healthy way and without worry or shame. Like booze.
So what do we stigmatize to take the place of weed?
How do we continue to support the monstrous, top heavy, overcharging, militarized anti-drug industry?
The DEA? The criminal justice system? Private Correctional Corporations?
The Punishment Establishment.
What will their roles be now that weed is smokeable without felonious consequences? It’s a good idea, if the industry wants to continue to maintain and increase its budget, to come up with another bogeyman, another disaster, a national disgrace and an out-of-control threat to everyone.
Pain medications.
Let’s demonize pain meds!
Lets go after the doctors and patients and pharmacists.
Call the DEA, drop a dime.
Reformulate the medications, make them harder to obtain; let’s stick our collective noses up into people’s private business. Again and again.
Change the compounds, change the shape, change the colors.
Harder to crush, break, shoot, snort.
The government will save us.
Just like they’ve saved us from drug addiction and illegal sales and manufacture and how they’ve eliminated overdoses and drug-related accidents and crime.
Now that it’s harder to get ephedrine all the meth labs have disappeared.
Right?
I’m not saying that there aren’t problems. There are always problems. Anything that can be corrupted will be corrupted, but I wonder if we’re not splattering paint with a very broad brush.
We certainly understand, don’t we, that whenever a law is passed criminals are poised to find ways around the interdiction?
When the wall is made higher, people build longer ladders.
Pain medications work. For some they are a lifesaver. If you’ve never had chronic pain, lucky you. Talk to someone who has suffered for decades. Back problems, migraines, shingles, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, nerve damage, etc&etc.
Friends have committed suicide because their pain was severe and unmanageable. Medications are a good way to live without misery while waiting for treatment. Have you tried to see a doctor lately? In some cases you can get an appointment with a specialist in a month or two, and if you need follow-up procedures you might have to wait another few weeks. Or more.
Suck it up. Meditate and use your Ibuprofen and stretching and heating pads and aspirin and chiropractors and acupuncture and reiki and crystals.
Suppose that stuff doesn’t work. It often doesn’t.
If I ask my medical practitioner for some relief am I going to have to fill out a crapload of forms, answer questions, give up more of my personal information, make more appointments with more professionals, register, have my picture taken, initial here and here and here and sign there and we’ll get back to you in a week or so and give you our decision?
I have herniated discs, goddamnit, I’m not Osama bin-fucking Laden.
It’s half of a Percocet, for shit’s sake, not an Uzi.
All those forms will be delivered to the government, a big bland office, to be reviewed by an army of civil servants, ex-TSA workers and recent college grads trying to save enough money for their own apartments. They will care as much as they are paid to care.
Agents and cops will be poised for the reports, the suspicious activity, red flags and furtive movement. We will be safe and our nation will be strong because the prescription medication crisis has ended.
Do you believe that?
I can hardly wait.

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Friendship Games





 
 I suppose I'm feeling a bit judgmental today. It happens.
But having a lot of friends on social media is not a real thing. Most of them are not friends, as in, “Let’s have lunch”, “Lend me $100”, or “Can I hide in your garage?”
Nah, they’re just people who are in need of acknowledgement and attention. Like the rest of us. Being on my fairly limited “friends” list is no big deal. Not much of a compliment. I browse the list of individuals from time to time and weed out those who have moved away and are out of touch. Also, I get rid of dead people. They do me no good whatsoever. Take up space and distract me from interaction with the living.
Sometimes I wonder, come Tuesday, November 8, Election Day in America, if I will have any friends left at all. That’s cool, I can manage, but the list is shrinking and there are still almost seven months to go until the Big Catastrophe.

I’m sorting it out again. Saying “so long” to contacts in the following order:

Racists. No more bullshit from insanely stupid racist mafaks (some may be supporters of D. Trump). If I see anything from anyone that is blatantly racist, that person is gone, button pushed, toilet flushed. I don’t care if they are family, co-workers, or someone I’ve met once and made the mistake of accepting a friend request. They can bite me. No time.

Predictably Angry: Mostly Dems, or whatevers, who are all locked and loaded with their one-note outrage. Scoldies and pundits who constantly accuse anyone who disagrees with them of sexism, stupidity, naiveté. If I deviate from Clinton about anything, it’s barely hit the cyberwaves when the responses roll in: “Sexist”…” “You men”…”You could never understand”. People who don’t support Sanders are immediately accused of not being true liberals or properly progressive. Wow. I've become gun-shy by these unfounded denunciations.
Fuck off. Delete, goodbye and good luck with the wrath. Don’t have a cow.

Sexists: Men and women who are hateful and/or condescending to the opposite or additional sex. Men who hate women, women who hate men. See ya. (I’m trying not to use the word “bitch” in any context. It’s offensive to people I like. I will look at each entry on a case-by-case basis, but my first reaction is to drop the hammer. Try using “prick” instead, OK?)

Fundamentalists: Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus. If God is the answer, you are the problem. Ciao, bambini.

Selfie dispensers: More than one profile update a week? Several pictures of your fabulous face and body every day? Posing as a badass or a sexy bunny, duck lips, sunglasses, fedoras? Without irony? Have fun and don’t bother me. Hasta.

Absolutes: Use of 100% words. Everyone, no one, never, always, etc. That’s impossible and you should know better. Get out of the car and walk home.

Still under consideration:
Food pictures. Everyone eats; we know what it looks like, save the photos of your salad.
Fart jokes.
Improper use of the following: Their, There, They’re…Then and Than…A part and Apart…Apostrophes…Quotation Marks. Yep, I’m a grammar freak. I admit it.
The Ice Bucket (or any other) Challenge.
Poor bastards who post dumbass easily debunked crap like “Bill Gates will give you one million dollars if” or “I hereby notify Facebook that all content on my page” or “OMG, stop everything and watch this video it will change your life.” No, you are wasting your life and my time. Get a brain.

I’m really interested in the coming Presidential election in November. May be some big changes. Or not. I might be living in a Socialist Democracy, a Fascist Dictatorship, a Plutocracy, or our on-going Oligarchy of The Entitled. Whichever ideology emerges victorious, I pretty sure that I’ll have fewer friends. What the hell, we all die alone anyway.